Personal ramblings. Sorry I’ve been doing this a lot recently.
It seems like all of the failures that just made me feel bad about myself in the past have actually caught up to finally give me the consequences. I feel like I’m on the edge of having my whole life just drop out from under me, because I wasted my life and spent too much time figuring out who I am and not enough time working for the future I couldn’t possibly know about.
In a way, I’m angry because I couldn’t possibly have known how much things would matter. But there’s no one else to blame. I didn’t put any effort into high school because high school was bullshit, but that means that it’s difficult for me to get into schools that are worth attending. It wasn’t my fault that I wasted time and money in film school finding out that I’m not good at it, but now that I finally have a good grip on my skills and I know what’s worth spending lots of money on, that money isn’t available. I’ve already thrown away plenty of it, and my sisters get priority over what’s left. (And to be fair, they don’t have a history of failure.)
I’m just so upset at my life right now. I finally found a direction to go, and my opportunity is gone. When I graduated high school, my parents told me that no matter where I wanted to go to school and no matter what I wanted to study, they would find the money for it. And now that I can answer that, when I can say “I know what I’m good at and I want to go learn more,” that money is gone and I have to pay my own way. Which is impossible.
I’m still figuring things out. But it’s really difficult when it seems like everything is stacked against me, and I feel awful about myself for it because it’s my fault.
I’m amazed that figuring out who I am and what I want to do has made me feel like more of a complete failure than anything.